I wish there was another expat here who still feels somewhat halfheartedly about the city. I don’t hate it, but I don’t live it either, at least not the way a lot of other foreigners love it. Do you have any idea how infuriating this is? To feel like the only person who doesn’t quite like it, yet must pretend to love it like everyone else. It’s fucking awful. I just want to be honest and frank like I usually am. I want to be sarcastic, snarky, cynical because that’s who I am. I hate that everyone seems so fucking happy all the goddamn time. I’m tired of everyone being happy and positive. I want to meet someone who’s pessimistic and cynical like I am, someone who’s very much in touch with reality, who doesn’t always need to see the bright side of things. It’s tiring putting on a facade and I don’t want to do it anymore. I just want to be honest and be who I really am… A snarky, somewhat jaded New Yorker.

I also cannot believe how unprofessional and disorganised business is. Today, I got an email at 10:30PM asking if I could cover a 9:30AM class tomorrow. The level wasn’t specified or anything. I would’ve just gone in cold, basically. What the hell? These last minute things are just so infuriating…

I’m just frustrated right now. Because I can’t quite adapt to how this city functions and I have no one to commiserate with.

It sucks.

It’s hard to believe that summer is coming to an end. I think what’s even weirder is that the end of summer doesn’t even mean much. I’m not going back to school or anything. Granted, I am leaving the country in mid-September, but still. It’s different, though. I guess even after more than three months, it still hasn’t hit me that I’m a college graduate. I’m not sure when it will, honestly.

Times are a-changin’. I’m mostly excited, but also very scared and nervous.

Luckily, I am leaving NYC soon, so hopefully that will subside once I leave.

I still miss you.

Well, my grumble comes in several parts. I’ve been feeling this way for a while now. Not necessarily unhappy— just disappointed in myself. That I’m not doing more with my life. That I don’t have much of a game plan. And that I’m really just running away from everyone and everything as I try to stall getting on with life.

I told everyone I had a two-year plan as a way to mask the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Teach English then grad school then who knows what the fuck is next.  I couldn’t handle the stress of getting a real job, so I’ve  decided to run off to Buenos Aires in hopes of landing a job. Sure, people think I’m adventurous and worldly for wanting this, but honestly, it just felt like the only thing I could do while I try to piece together my life. I did not land any amazing internships in college. The place I’ve worked at for almost three and a half years has absolutely nothing to do with my major. I’m not even entirely sure what I want to do. At some point, however, I will have to choose between political science and computers. I’ve got the proper academic background but lack real experience with the former whereas I have no academic background but plenty of experience with the latter. Sort of fucked, eh? I don’t know anyone who’s as torn as I am and whose experience reflects someone who is torn between two passions. I’m pissed, scared, and confused all at once because I know when it comes time to find a real job or even another internship of some sort, I am fucked. I am in no way experienced enough to land anything significant or outstanding. Most days I just want to kick myself for allowing all of this to happen.

In other news, I feel as if I am becoming incapable of talking about anything substantial. (To anyone aside from this blog, that is) I have absolutely no desire to talk about my feelings or my insecurities or anything of that sort. I’ve briefly mentioned this pickle I am in to friends and family, but I don’t think anyone knows the depth of my insecurity and worry. I’m truly afraid of never advancing and being stuck with some mediocre job because I couldn’t make up my damn mind. And yes, I am a snob, but after all that schooling and after attending a more than decent college, I deserve better than that. But I digress. My point is that I don’t have it in me to share these things with anyone. I’ve put up a barrier between me and well… everyone. Nothing is ever new, I never want to discuss anything aside from what TV shows I’ve been watching and what I’ve been drinking. I have no desire to get to know someone on an intimate level. Hell, the last time I admitted anything personal, I was drunk, it was late, and I was in a foreign country. And on top of that, it was practically forced out of me. I don’t open up to people. I just don’t. Not unless I am intoxicated and forced to.

This is nothing really new, though. After everything that has happened, I began closing myself off from the world last year. Slowly, I backed away from everyone and everything, but stayed close enough to maintain some sort of relationship. A year after I started this, though, I feel as if I have completely removed myself, choosing only to talk about superficial things.

I suck at ending entries, so here is my attempt… That is all. I have nothing more to say on this matter.

But at the same time, I don’t.

My heart feels torn, but I know that I have to go away.

Holy shit. I am done with college.

Well, here we are. It’s raining and I’ve spent the past few hours couped up in my room, just relaxing and watching TV. Last week was fairly decent. Not too much work and plenty of socialising and boozing. haha. Perhaps a bit too much as I am craving some intense me time at the moment…

The end of my undergraduate career is nearly here. In less than a month, I will officially be a college graduate. At the moment, I’m uncertain of how I feel about it. I’m neither happy nor sad. I just feel odd. Odd that come September I will not be moving back in, that I won’t be returning to school, and that I will most likely be preparing to travel to South America, where I will most likely be for almost a year.

Looking back, I can say that this has been a fairly good year, especially compared to the last three years. I moved on and I became more cynical. That’s really how I cam sum up what has happened. I made some friends, but I did not allow myself to get too close in fear of getting hurt again. It seems as if I’ve closed my heart for some time and I’m unsure if and when I’ll ever let anyone in like that again. Not any time soon, that’s for sure.

Though tonight, I feel nostalgic. I feel a little sad because of a lack of closure and a persistent feeling of uncertainty. Not ever knowing what happened or what you had a falling out with someone is perhaps one of the most unsettling feelings I have ever experienced. I’ve analysed every little detail, every moment, every action, and after all of that, I can only speculate, only guess as to why things are the way they are. It’s damn right frustrating, not knowing for sure. But that’s life, right? You can’t get all the answers and you can’t always walk away with that feeling of closure. Maybe the biggest growth is one that involves us learning to move past things, to let go, even if we’re not entirely sure of what happened.

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. I don’t know what else to say except that. It was just a feeling that came upon me, perhaps because I’ve been brooding in my room and because of the weather. Rain always makes me think and ponder about life.

I think I’m finally ready to close this chapter of my life. It’s sad because things are good right now… but at the same time, I think this is the best time to walk away, so I can look back fondly upon this period of my life, so that it’s not tainted by tears, feelings of frustrations, and the inevitably of growing apart.

Anyway, I won’t really delve into the specifics of why I hate March 2010. It’s really hard for me not to be jaded when bad things keep happening. Things that make me feel insignificant and really make me question society at large.  I’m tired of people taking advantage of me, assuming that no matter what they do, I’ll get over it, and just being general assholes.

The more people keep hurting and disappointing me, the more I just want to shy away from everything and everyone.  I’m sick and tired of people doing the same shit over and over again. One of these days, I’m just going to lose it and let everything out on one unfortunate person.

It’s been said that I’m too demanding and my expectations are far too high. And? So what if I am? Boo fucking hoo, you’re facing a problem in your life. Hey, guess what? Shit happens. Deal with it. I’m tired of people using their past or their problems to excuse/justify all their mistakes. I’m done with that nonsense. Take some goddamn responsibility for your actions and stop hiding behind your problems. We all have baggage and issues, so that is inexcusable.

I’m going in circles here, but I think you get my point. I’m tired of everyone feeling sorry for that weak person who can’t handle his/her shit and goes and makes a mess of everything. What about those of us who have managed to keep our cool (sort of), to remain responsible, and basically function as a normal human? I’ll tell you what people like that get: nothing. Nobody notices these people. They just blend in with everyone else because they are so goddamn good at hiding their problems and facing life head-on. Yet, we pity those who can’t hack it? I don’t get it. I’m all for sympathy and compassion, but there’s got to be a limit, right? We can’t feel sorry for every person who can’t get their shit together. Well, I know I can’t.

Yes, I’m a bitch. Yes, I’m demanding. Yes, I’m a control freak. Yes, I can function pretty fucking well even if I feel like the entire world has come crumbling down. I’m not asking for a reward or recognition. Just some fucking respect and courtesy. Save your sorry excuses and tears for someone else. I won’t have them and I won’t buy them.

I’m done with people like this. Done with people who can’t handle the shit life throws them. I’m sorry. I’m done being the person you take all your problems out on. The person whom you come crying to at night yet the one whom you neglect when all is well.

I want the world to fuck off. Really. Just go fuck someone else for once and leave me the fuck alone.

(This is Kristine’s very angry post)

Well, my last semester is certainly flying by. I’ve been keeping busy with my thesis and Barrio, mostly. I do what I can do make the most of my time, but I do feel like it is just slipping away far more quickly than I had anticipated. In some ways, it is good; I can hardly wait to graduate and get out of here. But sometimes (rarely), I feel a bit sad that this chapter of my life is coming to close. Sad not because I’ll miss it (too much), but because I feel like I didn’t really do much with my time. Except for my brief stint in London, I feel as though I’ve led a pretty humdrum life these past four years. I guess most people feel that way- that is, there is lack of satisfaction and constant feeling that things could have and should have been better and more exciting.

Sometimes, this is not something I readily admit, my heart feels torn. I am about 90% sure that I will leave New York upon graduating from college, but every now and then, I question myself. I know there are a million reasons why I should not go, but I feel that this is something I have to do. I guess what makes me question myself are the happy moments (albethey rare) I occasionally have. They are by no means extraordinary. It’s actually little, day-to-day things that  make me smile the most. (I’m a simple girl, what can I tell you?) Every now and then, I find myself in the company of people whom I truly like and I…just enjoy myself. I can’t help but think to myself, “If I stay, I could have more of this…”

But you know what I’ve come to realize? You will always feel that way, every step of the way. You will always (foolishly) think you can cling onto the present and you assume that if you stay, there WILL be more moments like that. Why do we think this? Why are we so sure of others and their consistency? It has been my experience that people are in fact, NOT consistent and those fleeting moments are just that… Fleeting. The possibility of their constant recurrence is slim. Let us be honest with ourselves. How many people do we meet in our life? And how many of those end up being true, lifelong friends? Two or three, I’d say, if you are truly lucky.

Maybe none of us want to acknowledge or admit this, but, in very general terms, people are replaceable. Oookay, loaded statement, so I better back myself up, yeah? By that I mean we can have a good time and good laugh with so many people. People here. People across the country. People on another continent. Et cetera. Maybe I’m much too cynical, but I realised this when I was in London. I have my 2-3 people that will be there no matter what/where I am, but everyone else is just sort of… well, to be blunt, fluff. Easily replaceable since you can have superficial fun with anyone you get along with. Does that make sense? I guess this is why I am not too attached to New York anymore. Those who matter will stay in my life and the beauty of technology allows us to easily stay in touch. And everyone else, like all things in life, will eventually fade. But you will be okay and you will find other people.

In an ideal world, we’d never have much of a reason to get attached to anyone or anything. I’m slowly working towards this… This sort of self-dependency and reliance (though a tenuous one) on only a few.